Why Shame Doesn’t Work
PS. This blog post is reshared from a Tuesday email series I share called On My Heart. I repost them to my blog a week later. If you’d like to receive it in your inbox instead, you can subscribe here.
Today, I wanted to share a little piece of my journey… and that is what I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self. Maybe it'll resonate with you too.
Here’s what I’d tell 26 year-old Julia:
✨ Everything fits in moderation
✨ Perfection doesn’t exist
✨ Shame isn't a good motivator
For a whole decade, I found myself caught in a cycle of self-judgment, saying things to myself like:
"If you could only give up bread, maybe you’d finally lose the weight"
“You shouldn't eat these foods in public because people know you need to lose weight”
“You're the most out of shape person in this fitness class, people must think you eat so much”
"If you could only just work out more, then you’d finally be able to stop gaining weight"
"It’s so embarrassing that you’re so out of control around foods"
That last one… it is especially painful. Can you relate?
My early 20s on my health and fitness journey can be summed up in one word: SHAME.
Shame about loving sweets.
Shame about not being able to actually lose weight.
Shame about not having more willpower.
But the truth is - shame is actually prevents self-development. Shame makes us less likely to reach our goals.
Brene Brown, who's life work centers around shame and vulnerability studies, shares that shame convinces us only of our unworthiness. Which is why, for all those years, I couldn't find fulfillment or make progress, because I was choosing to let shame win.
So, what finally worked for me?
✨ Learning that shame has NO place in my life & wasn’t actually helping me at all
✨ Acknowledging and naming the shame I held and separating it from my identity
✨ Working with coaches and therapists who helped me build tangible skills to work through hard feelings
✨ Finding mantras that felt honest to me, like “I deserve to live a life where I can be myself”
✨ Examining my shame and realizing that so much of it came from untrue thoughts I had (highly recommend Byron Katie’s book, Loving What Is to help with this)
Without shame, I was able to accomplish consistency in habits I never could before:
✨ Committing to an 80/20 diet with no foods off limits
✨ Adding more low-impact movement, like walking
✨ Going all in on a strength training program with 1-2 days of rest per week
✨ Realizing the scale never tells the whole story!!
Suddenly, the health and the body I wanted were in reach.
I focused on mindset, metabolism & my relationship to food and the rest fell into place in a way I never thought was even possible (and now this is what I teach my 1:1 clients!!)
Sending you a big hug if you’re on this journey of rediscovery too. You are capable of worthiness & you deserve to live shame-free!
Save this for next time you need a reminder & share it with a friend who does too 🌈✨
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